Monday, August 15, 2011

Daddy [Di] RIP

I wrote this, and posted this April 30th of this year the later took it down for multiple reasons. Now It's back up...Why? Because I'm thinking about him & now seems better than then....
I find myself thinking about my dad A LOT lately. I don't know what to think about this. I've always wondered if you could feel the presence of a deceased loved one or something along those lines.

Random: When I walked across the stage for graduation in Dec. 2010, I was hoping to feel this emotion/presence from my dad. But I didn't. Crazy as it may seem, I was disappointed. (Maybe that's stuff you just see/hear about in movies). 
I don't know if it's because it was a hectic day (losing my college I.D. I had since I was a freshmen there, people were running late, the EX boyfriend was just acting funky). Idk...

Resume: Anyways, he's been heavy on my heart. With everything that has been going on with me lately, I'm not surprised that I miss him so much. I wish he was here to tell me everything is going to be okay, that I'll heal from my heart being broken, that I'll make it in this world, that he's proud of me, to tell me to keep going. Although I was 18yrs old when he passed away, I felt like a 5 yr old. I don't think anyone can be mentally prepared to lose a parent/guardian. I know we all must go, but...Idk...

Would life be such a struggle if he was here? Would he had been the one to buy my first car instead of me? My mom says yes :) (The thought makes me smile inside & out)
Would he have been that overprotective father?  What if...what if? 

Life is way too short. And the fact that I barely had any grandparents around growing up sucked. My kids will never get to meet their grandfather. The man that accepted me for who I was. Didn't deny me, & made time for me. The man that didn't get to see me off to prom, because he was ill...laying on his death bed in his mothers house (& wouldn't have known what was going on because Alzheimer disease does that, but I wouldn't have cared, his presence would have been enough) & passed away from the stupid disease & Lord knows what else. Because I don't know?! 

My grandmother never had a relationship with me, and that was her choice. That's another topic & I think I'll discuss that in another post.

This is the deepest blog post I've ever done...I have to stop now. It's totally ALL over the place. Tears fall as the morning calls, & I don't want anyone to hear me.


  1. I pray the Lord consoles your heart sweetie! I could not even imagine losing my daddy. Your grandmother should really be ashamed of her actions. Pray for her. The bible says to pray for those that are against you. Kiah

  2. I'm so sorry for your lost ashley and I agree your grandmother should be very ashame of her self. I'm pretty.sure your dad is smiling down.on you and is very.proud of you

  3. @Kiah thanks...There's quit a few things I'm trying to get over & forgive people for. Thank you for the kind words :)

    @kiki Thanks..I'm sure he is as well :)


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